Delcilia Won't Stop Screamin.

Shut up. Just shut the fuck up!
For christs sake stop snivellin.

Whack

I don't care.
Stay covered in shit.
You'll bloody well learn.

Whump.

You want clean,
I'll give you bloody clean.
And stop your mangy whimpering.
You little shit.

Aww burny burny
Poor baby fucken burny.

Crunch

Now shut up you hear.
I better not hear another fucken sound.

Crack

You little shit.
Hope you fucken die.

Come on mate, crack open another...

For Delcilia

Pilonidal abscess

How painful, how embareassing.

To the first doctor:
Great, you would be one of the parents
on my playcentre session.

To the second doctor:
You were nice.

To the third doctor:
You cracked me up
asking if you could butt in
because you had heard about me.

To the nurse:
Thanks for taking two attempts to find a vein.
Thanks for being so cool. I almost thought it normal
to feel like I was having a heart attack
after you pumped the erythromycin
so quickly into my arm. I barely remember
you administering the ECG and leaving me
to experience the crushing chest pains.
I'm glad that I only experienced one symptom
of anaphylactic shock. Wouldn't want to concern you
overly. But really , thanks , my life has been brighter
since this morning.

To the surgeon:
I used to think the surgeons arrogance
portrayed on Shortland Street*
was just a dramatic device.
I could feel the hand of god
speaking behind your voice
so commanding decisive
in your suit
deciding to delay
to some future day
the cleansing of my 'irritation'.
Sure I'll come back if it becomes a problem before then.
I do appreciate your priorities.

Finally, on behalf of myself and my underwear,
I would like to thank all
four doctors, two nurses and a surgeon
over two days at the hospital
for letting pus and blood
ooze
and congeal
and ooze
down my natal cleft
without once
ever cleaning
or dressing...

Your humble patient.

What you don't want to know

* a local soap